Coldness
by hioebis
Summary: just a confused ficlet: 'to not be afraid of something, you must become that something yourself'


Coldness  
  
Disclaimers: Schu and Brad dun belong to me, you know they don't so...  
  
***  
  
Kai looked up at the clear blue sky above him and vaguely wondered why he could not enjoy the light, the quiet, the thin, salty sea breeze.  
  
The wet ground he was laying on felt cool. Indeed, he was soaked with sea water and his whole body felt cool. Cold. As hell.  
  
To him, hell must be a terribly cold place that no amount of fire would ever be able to warm up. He hated coldness as much as he feared it, frantically.  
  
He tried to sit up, succeeded, and promptly felt nausea resulting in him vomiting on the cool, wet sand. It was not much, the contents of his stomach. He looked at it, marveling at how his mess of burning hair didn't catch it like it did the salty water. And how it couldn't warm him one bit.  
  
'Schuldig, get up.'  
  
A commanding voice. A voice whose owner had no doubts whatsoever that he will be obeyed. A terribly cold voice.  
  
How he hated that coldness! As if it was no human sound.  
  
The man was standing beside him, expressionless. A man with cold black hair, cold blue eyes cold white clothes as soaked as Kai's were so they must be cold.  
  
He wanted to ask him who he was, what he was doing here, why he called him 'Schuldig' when his name was Kai, and how he could be so cold without feeling physical pain.  
  
The words died before they reached his lips because they seem unimportant somehow and unreasonably, he didn't want to make the man wait.  
  
/ 'It is all your fault!' /  
  
Surprised, he realized that he did not know who he was where he came from or what he did. This accusation was the only thing that seemed to have been following him forever, yet belonged to the far gone past.  
  
It made feel cold.  
  
The present for him was the cold, too. That came from the outside as well as the inside and could not be burned away by the sun, nor anything else, ever, and he hated it with a passion and hated himself for wanting it to stay.  
  
So he got up and followed the dark-haired creature that was the coldness, who has turned at some time and started to walk away, without a word.  
  
***  
  
From the first moment of entering Kai knew that whatever had happened in the past he had never been here before. The cold man has locked the door and started to undress, quietly. When he was completely naked, Kai could see that he was aroused and well built and that exited him in a, to him, strange way.  
  
Then the man started to undress him and next thing he knew, He was on him, taking him deeply with rhythmical and controlled movements.  
  
This is not the way sex should be, he knew it.  
  
But regardless of his mind, his body reacted, strongly even.  
  
And he still felt cold.  
  
They have not yet spoken another word or even looked at each other, but it seemed ok, and then again, not. And frankly, he couldn't bring himself to care.  
  
In the arms of this unknown, cold man, Kai was starting to melt, to dissolve and then, even the cold wasn't that bad anymore. At some time, when every feeling had died and yet became too intense to bear, the ice cracked, melt and suddenly he feared the water would come out of his eyes, it was too much for him to contain...  
  
But no, he would not, could not cry, let Him see his tears, because he wasn't supposed to have tears.  
  
Nor those memories that threatened to overwhelm him from the inside while a fire, at first gone unnoticed, had begun to consume him from the outside.  
  
The cold man looked at him, looked at him for the first time, but the unreadable coldness in his eyes has stopped hurting. He was the coldness.  
  
Just when Kai, Schuldig, started to think it would never happen, their movements sped up, so fast and furious he wanted to scream. He opened his mouth to release his agony, but no sounds came out, and it was better this way.  
  
He knew that he was going to explode any minute from being overfilled with coldness and heat, but He won't let him. The world blurred at the edges in front of his eyes when convulsive tremors shook his body. The liquid that filled him scalded his insides painfully and he arched up with a desperate whimper, the first sound he had released ever since he woke up on the beach, cold.  
  
Then he burned up.  
  
They still hadn't spoken one word to each other, but now, there was no need anymore.  
  
Now he didn't fear the cold.  
  
***  
  
Crawford woke up in the middle of the night and felt immediately that his lover was not in bed, but standing once again on the balcony, alone. When the pale moon shone on him through the thin, white curtains, and cool night breeze caressed his flaming hair, fluttering with the silk like ethereal butterflies, Schuldig almost looked... innocent... 'unschuldig'...  
  
Cool blue eyes laid tenderly on the lean figure standing there in only his pyjama pants. It was normal, for him who never got one moment of quietness in day. He could not let the relative peace of night go by wasted when they happened to not be on a mission. It is then when only the moon and the eyes of his lover watched him that he got up in the dark, enjoying the fresh chill.  
  
But today was somehow a little bit different, Crawford could sense it.  
  
'What is it?' he breathed. Too soft to be startling, too soft to be heard even, but Schuldig heard, and he knew.  
  
Emerald eyes turned to him, glittering in the night like cat's eyes, but then again completely different.  
  
'You told me that you wanted to set me free.' Schuldig's voice, too, was no more than the barest of whispers when something rare and hence, valuable – a small, thoughtful smile – stole itself on his face. 'But didn't you know? I've never really wanted to be free of the coldness.  
  
I've never wanted to be free. Of you.'  
  
***  
  
Author's notes: It was a sunny but nevertheless cool day and I sat alone in my room, nuff said. And: I must think of Rosiel (Angel Sanctuary)'s words: To not fear the devil, you must become the devil yourself. 


End file.
